Yup, this year is turning out to be a doozy!
"The boy" has gone out of province for a job. He gets to come back every couple of weeks, but this month - because we still seem to have more moths than money in our wallets - he won't be home until the end of the month. Of course, I'll believe that when I see it.... He was supposed to come home twice already, but first there was a vehicle issue, then it was rent week, so he couldn't really afford the fuel. Now, it's supposed to be the 30th. Uh huh.
Right now, I've got a big problem, though. I miss him, but I don't miss him.
To be honest, lately, he just hasn't been around even when he WAS at home. He would get up in the morning, have a shower, check his emails while watching the morning news, and off to work. He didn't even make the coffee. Then, in the evening, he'd stare at the telly or play online poker, eventually falling asleep for the evening at around 8-ish. I'd go to bed alone.
Unless, of course, he's horny. In that case, I get woken out of my slumber just after I'd climbed between the sheets and lay my head on the pillow all comfy-cozy-like. No effort to get ME in the mood earlier in the evening. He was too busy inspecting the inside of his eyelids. I guess he took the kiss on the cheek 15 minutes ago with the phrase, "I'm going to bed, goodnight," as foreplay.
Don't get me wrong. I do miss having him around, but I don't really miss him all that much. In fact, it's kind of nice that I get to watch whatever I want on telly and get to do whatever I want around the house (I can totally frump-out and not shower for a couple days, or try out different facial masks without funny looks, or eat popcorn for dinner). Oh yeah, and I can make whatever I want for dinner, too. If I want tilapia and kale chips, I can HAVE tilapia and kale chips!
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't particularly like this feeling. The feeling of not feeling. Am I just cushioning myself mentally? Am I just enjoying my freedom? Am I turning into a housebound agoraphobic?
For one thing, I guess I better stop all this over-analyzation! We'll see what happens when he comes home for the first time in a month. I want to know what he's going to be like. I'm hoping he'll pay more attention to me, other than wanting to get laid. Although, I guess I'd better HOPE he wants to get laid when he gets back.
I was also pretty pissed when he left, because he took our only transportation and my bank card. So he basically left me poor and housebound. Where he's gone, they have trains and buses and taxis, where I live, we have one taxi. I do have my bike, but if I have to pick up kitty litter or dog food, I'm fucked 'cos it's too heavy for me to carry on the bike.
He also gets to visit with friends, go out to a bar or a restaurant, you know, that social stuff. I don't. I also get to take care of a large family of animals (of various species), as well as go to work. He just has to go to work.
So, okay. This post has spun toward the fact that I think I really got screwed in this gig. I know he misses his home and our little family, but he seems to think he's so hard done by. Meantime, I'm the one making the lion's share of sacrifice and compromise.
Tuesday, 18 July 2017
Saturday, 28 December 2013
Divorcing your best friend.
Well, here it is, the waning weeks of 2013. The new year is almost here, and I've got some shitty work to do. I have to divorce my best friend of over 30 years. Crap.
We met each other in high school and became fast friends shortly afterward. We did EVERYTHING together, so much so, that most people thought we were a couple. And we loved spending time together! I could be completely myself with no judgement, no stress. I made it through a lot of tough times - including a nasty marriage to an emotionally abusive spouse and, finally, an even nastier divorce - with my best friend holding my hand, both figuratively and literally. I honestly couldn't imagine my life without him!
I was the first straight person he (let's call him Jake) "came out" to (he's gay - not that there's anything wrong with that!), and I've been with him throughout family troubles and relationship issues. I did my best to support him during the death of his significant other. We stuck together through thick and thin!
But something changed.
I moved to a different province a few years ago, tearfully leaving behind my best friend. It was a difficult decision, but it was something I needed to do. I hated big city life, and had found a romantic partner who had the same dream of living in the country. Jake and I stayed in touch, and I couldn't wait for my visits back to see him again.
My last visit, though, was a different story. I realized that I wasn't enjoying myself with him anymore. I don't like his latest boyfriend - never have, I find him a parasitic drama queen - but I put up with him for my friends' sake. Unfortunately, I was never able to get together with just Jake, he always had to have his S/O there, and it started making things uncomfortable. And Jake seemed to be becoming more and more judgemental and narrow-minded, and I found myself not wanting to open up with him the way I used to. I stopped telling him things about my private life, mostly because I didn't want his S/O (let's call him Spanky) to know all about it, either. I think the last straw was when he came through my area on a trip to an event, but wouldn't come to see me. He wanted me to join them on their trip, but I couldn't get away. I asked if they could come and pop in on their way. It would only have been half an hour drive out of their way, but he refused. I didn't ask, but I got the distinct feeling that it was because Spanky is afraid of my S/O (he's a biker and Spanky seems to be quite intimidated by this - drama~queen style, although he - my S/O, let's call him Ramone - is just a nice guy with a lot of ink, and has always been very good to all my friends).
During this above said visit, I found myself getting depressed and maudlin. We were "making rather merry" at the bar, as we always do on these visits, but this time Jake refused to let me stay over with him, even though it was his idea to get more booze and go back to his place to watch movies. He basically forced me out the door at 1 am, though, and I had to wake Ramone up to let me in at the place we were staying which was not a good idea, the state I was in. I was not impressed and a little confused at Jake's attitude. I had always stayed at his place before during our "twist-offs."
The remainder of my visit, I did not get in touch with him again, and he didn't try to get in touch with me. And I decided on my return home that it was time. Time to divorce my best friend.
But, just how the hell do you do that? Do I just end communications? Do I send a "John Deere" letter? Do I just let us drift apart? Do I tell him it's over?
I noticed that when I was with my old friend that things were always the same, very static. Nothing ever changes for him really, and I think he likes it best that way. He's been in the same part-time dead-end job (I say this because there is no room for advancement, and he won't change companies) for about 20 years, his last 3 relationships have been with parasitic drama-queens (this latest can't hold down a job for more than a few months because of his habit of speaking out of turn), and his social life consists of evenings and weekends at the same old bar he's been going to for decades. He's even got basically the same wardrobe he had in 1988! And the conversations were always about the same old depressing things. None of the fun banter there used to be. There just didn't seem to be any joy among my friends any more.
For myself, my life has changed significantly since I moved away. I have had some pretty awesome "epiphanies" (for lack of a better word, also something I will get into in future blogs) over the last couple of years. Personally, I am trying to improve my life, and it's been working. I think that may be part of the issue. I've been moving forward whereas Jake has stayed where he is. Every time we have a conversation, I find it depressing because it's always the same old issues over and over again, while I've been trying to improve my situation and get past my old issues.
So here I am, on one hand, feeling a sense of freedom for having the guts to get rid of a bit of my past that has - quite frankly - been a growing burden, but horribly sad that it has come to this. But I can't allow myself to be so desperate for friends that I stay with people that I feel are bad for me. I love Jake, but he IS bad for me. With all that has happened in my life (and I just know you're waiting with bated breath to hear all THOSE stories), I am trying to surround myself with people that encourage me to move forward, to make me feel better about myself, to help improve my self-confidence. Unfortunately, Jake does the opposite. I feel like he only pulls me down, and I don't want to drown in my past. I need to let go, and swim to the surface.
Now, as 2014 gets nearer, I think I've taken my first breath of fresh air, but I've still got a long swim to shore. This time, I'll be swimming alone.
We met each other in high school and became fast friends shortly afterward. We did EVERYTHING together, so much so, that most people thought we were a couple. And we loved spending time together! I could be completely myself with no judgement, no stress. I made it through a lot of tough times - including a nasty marriage to an emotionally abusive spouse and, finally, an even nastier divorce - with my best friend holding my hand, both figuratively and literally. I honestly couldn't imagine my life without him!
I was the first straight person he (let's call him Jake) "came out" to (he's gay - not that there's anything wrong with that!), and I've been with him throughout family troubles and relationship issues. I did my best to support him during the death of his significant other. We stuck together through thick and thin!
But something changed.
I moved to a different province a few years ago, tearfully leaving behind my best friend. It was a difficult decision, but it was something I needed to do. I hated big city life, and had found a romantic partner who had the same dream of living in the country. Jake and I stayed in touch, and I couldn't wait for my visits back to see him again.
My last visit, though, was a different story. I realized that I wasn't enjoying myself with him anymore. I don't like his latest boyfriend - never have, I find him a parasitic drama queen - but I put up with him for my friends' sake. Unfortunately, I was never able to get together with just Jake, he always had to have his S/O there, and it started making things uncomfortable. And Jake seemed to be becoming more and more judgemental and narrow-minded, and I found myself not wanting to open up with him the way I used to. I stopped telling him things about my private life, mostly because I didn't want his S/O (let's call him Spanky) to know all about it, either. I think the last straw was when he came through my area on a trip to an event, but wouldn't come to see me. He wanted me to join them on their trip, but I couldn't get away. I asked if they could come and pop in on their way. It would only have been half an hour drive out of their way, but he refused. I didn't ask, but I got the distinct feeling that it was because Spanky is afraid of my S/O (he's a biker and Spanky seems to be quite intimidated by this - drama~queen style, although he - my S/O, let's call him Ramone - is just a nice guy with a lot of ink, and has always been very good to all my friends).
During this above said visit, I found myself getting depressed and maudlin. We were "making rather merry" at the bar, as we always do on these visits, but this time Jake refused to let me stay over with him, even though it was his idea to get more booze and go back to his place to watch movies. He basically forced me out the door at 1 am, though, and I had to wake Ramone up to let me in at the place we were staying which was not a good idea, the state I was in. I was not impressed and a little confused at Jake's attitude. I had always stayed at his place before during our "twist-offs."
The remainder of my visit, I did not get in touch with him again, and he didn't try to get in touch with me. And I decided on my return home that it was time. Time to divorce my best friend.
But, just how the hell do you do that? Do I just end communications? Do I send a "John Deere" letter? Do I just let us drift apart? Do I tell him it's over?
I noticed that when I was with my old friend that things were always the same, very static. Nothing ever changes for him really, and I think he likes it best that way. He's been in the same part-time dead-end job (I say this because there is no room for advancement, and he won't change companies) for about 20 years, his last 3 relationships have been with parasitic drama-queens (this latest can't hold down a job for more than a few months because of his habit of speaking out of turn), and his social life consists of evenings and weekends at the same old bar he's been going to for decades. He's even got basically the same wardrobe he had in 1988! And the conversations were always about the same old depressing things. None of the fun banter there used to be. There just didn't seem to be any joy among my friends any more.
For myself, my life has changed significantly since I moved away. I have had some pretty awesome "epiphanies" (for lack of a better word, also something I will get into in future blogs) over the last couple of years. Personally, I am trying to improve my life, and it's been working. I think that may be part of the issue. I've been moving forward whereas Jake has stayed where he is. Every time we have a conversation, I find it depressing because it's always the same old issues over and over again, while I've been trying to improve my situation and get past my old issues.
So here I am, on one hand, feeling a sense of freedom for having the guts to get rid of a bit of my past that has - quite frankly - been a growing burden, but horribly sad that it has come to this. But I can't allow myself to be so desperate for friends that I stay with people that I feel are bad for me. I love Jake, but he IS bad for me. With all that has happened in my life (and I just know you're waiting with bated breath to hear all THOSE stories), I am trying to surround myself with people that encourage me to move forward, to make me feel better about myself, to help improve my self-confidence. Unfortunately, Jake does the opposite. I feel like he only pulls me down, and I don't want to drown in my past. I need to let go, and swim to the surface.
Now, as 2014 gets nearer, I think I've taken my first breath of fresh air, but I've still got a long swim to shore. This time, I'll be swimming alone.
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