Living alone. Even in a relationship.

Yup, this year is turning out to be a doozy!

"The boy" has gone out of province for a job. He gets to come back every couple of weeks, but this month - because we still seem to have more moths than money in our wallets - he won't be home until the end of the month. Of course, I'll believe that when I see it.... He was supposed to come home twice already, but first there was a vehicle issue, then it was rent week, so he couldn't really afford the fuel. Now, it's supposed to be the 30th. Uh huh.

Right now, I've got a big problem, though. I miss him, but I don't miss him.

To be honest, lately, he just hasn't been around even when he WAS at home. He would get up in the morning, have a shower, check his emails while watching the morning news, and off to work. He didn't even make the coffee. Then, in the evening, he'd stare at the telly or play online poker, eventually falling asleep for the evening at around 8-ish. I'd go to bed alone.

Unless, of course, he's horny. In that case, I get woken out of my slumber just after I'd climbed between the sheets and lay my head on the pillow all comfy-cozy-like. No effort to get ME in the mood earlier in the evening. He was too busy inspecting the inside of his eyelids. I guess he took the kiss on the cheek 15 minutes ago with the phrase, "I'm going to bed, goodnight," as foreplay.

Don't get me wrong. I do miss having him around, but I don't really miss him all that much. In fact, it's kind of nice that I get to watch whatever I want on telly and get to do whatever I want around the house (I can totally frump-out and not shower for a couple days, or try out different facial masks without funny looks, or eat popcorn for dinner). Oh yeah, and I can make whatever I want for dinner, too. If I want tilapia and kale chips, I can HAVE tilapia and kale chips!

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't particularly like this feeling. The feeling of not feeling. Am I just cushioning myself mentally? Am I just enjoying my freedom? Am I turning into a housebound agoraphobic? 

For one thing, I guess I better stop all this over-analyzation! We'll see what happens when he comes home for the first time in a month. I want to know what he's going to be like. I'm hoping he'll pay more attention to me, other than wanting to get laid. Although, I guess I'd better HOPE he wants to get laid when he gets back.

I was also pretty pissed when he left, because he took our only transportation and my bank card. So he basically left me poor and housebound. Where he's gone, they have trains and buses and taxis, where I live, we have one taxi. I do have my bike, but if I have to pick up kitty litter or dog food, I'm fucked 'cos it's too heavy for me to carry on the bike.

He also gets to visit with friends, go out to a bar or a restaurant, you know, that social stuff. I don't. I also get to take care of a large family of animals (of various species), as well as go to work. He just has to go to work.

So, okay. This post has spun toward the fact that I think I really got screwed in this gig. I know he misses his home and our little family, but he seems to think he's so hard done by. Meantime, I'm the one making the lion's share of sacrifice and compromise.